She chased you to the back of the playground and told you she’d share her new crayons with you if you showed her what you had “down there”. You tried kissing her with bubble gum in your mouth to see if you could share a “bubble”. He often played “doctor” with his next-door-neighbour, always delighted when she rang him up complaining that she was “sick”.
Somewhere along the line, most adults decide that sexual exploration is serious… very, very serious. But we don’t start off that way, as the above examples illustrate.
Perhaps it happens at puberty, with the self-consciousness of a changing body, or the guidance (or misguidance) of a strict or nervous parent, or a little later with the increasing pressure of “performance”, a partner’s high expectations, or anxiety about pregnancy and STI’s.
While those may have been and may continue to be very real concerns, if you focus all of your attention on them exclusively you will miss out on one of the biggest secrets of joyful erotic connection: Humour, innocence, and PLAY!
Sexuality has the potential to be like being back in drama camp. You can put on make-up, wear costumes, and invent and play imagination games. You can invent the rules of the game, and if you don’t like the game anymore you can change it. You can try things out and if they’re fun, you can do them again and again. You can let go of boredom and greet each sexual feeling with the excitement of a child engaging with its environment for the first time.
As a healer, one thing that I enjoy very much is guiding individuals to re-awaken the spirit of play within themselves. There is something very therapeutic about taking the time to explore erotic feelings in a non-goal-oriented space of unconditional acceptance, humour, joy.
Increasing your pleasure increases your vitality, and increasing your vitality increases your pleasure.
This set of exercises were inspired by the Spring Equinox. (For the backstory, see “Which Comes First, Vitality or Pleasure?”) Spring is a time when words like renewal, rebirth, vibrancy and vitality find their way into our conversations and our consciousness more frequently. This makes Spring a prime time to focus on bringing more pleasure into our lives, and I believe that with intention we can welcome more pleasure at any time of the year.
Before we can add pleasure we need to know what brings us pleasure. This is not always an easy thing to answer and it can be even harder to communicate this desire even to ourselves.
This activity is designed to help you discover what you enjoy about sex, sexuality, sacred sex, solo sex and/or sexual interactions with others.
1. Complete the sentence “I enjoy ______.” 10 times (or more, if you feel inspired to do so). Be creative, e.g. use as many writing and colouring utensils as you can find: chalk, pastel, markers, crayons, pens of different colours!
2. From the list of things you enjoy, pick the one that stands out the most. If nothing stands out, choose your favourite or the one you consider the most edgy. Take a few deep breaths and reflect on the one you chose.
3. Describe the thing you chose in #2 above, for each of your five senses. Do this with as much detail as you can. Your descriptions don’t have to be literal; they can be symbolic, for example:
I enjoy Sunshine.
It tastes like warm melting butterscotch.
It sounds like a soft humming in my left ear.
It looks like the world is a brighter place.
It smells fresh and ripe.
It feels like a moment of complete freedom.
4. Referring back to the list in #1 above, ask yourself:
- Are all the things I enjoy an active part of my sex life or are there some that I rarely do?
- Which one(s) would be easiest to experience at least once in the next 30 days?
- How can I bring these things into my life in a fulfilling manner?
Remember: Our sexuality is just one part of the whole of who we are and our physical desires are just one part of this sexual self. You can do the above exercises for any aspect of your sexuality or any kind of pleasure, e.g. food, social, creative, learning, etc.
As the month of March came in I began thinking about the Vernal Equinox and what it meant to me this year. One thing kept coming into my life: vitality. It was a word I had a sense of but could not define or explain. I saw it everywhere but did not understand what or how it was in my life. I did not know vitality.
I thought and reflected, researched and let it go. After several weeks, I came to place where I could honestly say “Now I know vitality.” It’s my life force, my zest for life, my Orende, my joie de vivre, and my desire to grow and reach new heights of awareness and pleasure. It’s the energy I have to do what I desire and to do that which will make my heart sing.
Finding vitality is not specifically about healing, although healing may be involved. Sometimes, healing is required to have more vitality, and sometimes, healing can result from increased vitality.
Around the time of the Equinox I was making a big decision about my journey and my healing. Although the path to making the decision was not easy, it created a positive shift in my life. I didn’t know if things would go as I wanted, but I knew that simply making the decision was an act of power, because every decision made clearly, cleanly and authentically for our own best good is an act of power. While I was aware the decision itself had power, I only understood bits and pieces in the beginning. It took some time before I could fully comprehend the scope of my decision.
I know the power of sexual energy to heal and transform; it balances the whole body and being, and increases vitality. A balanced sexuality promotes a balanced person. Without balance in our sexuality, something will be off in our emotional, mental, physical and/or spiritual aspects. When the day of the equinox passed without my noticing, I understood this balance even more.
The decision I made was not about attending a workshop or reading a book or anything like that. It was simply a commitment to bring more vitality into my life; to raise my life force; to increase my Orende; to live fuller, love deeper and connect more thoroughly to myself, to life and to others. It was a decision to seek pleasure moments to increase my vitality, to seek healing through my sexual release and pleasure, to clear the blocks that slow down my energy. I made the decision to immerse myself in opportunity because it’s not the workshop, the healer or an event that will accomplish my goal; it’s my ability to be present in the moment, to acknowledge and accept the opportunity for growth, and to allow healing to happen and my life force to increase.
Almost eight months later, my life is much more vital and full; I feel much more alive. I recognize how it all goes directly back to that decision. That Spring morning, when the truth of my decisions became clear, there were birds chirping outside my window in the dreary wetness – “welcome to Spring” they sang. Perhaps it was another lesson: Pleasure can exist even in a dreary wet day.
I will leave you with one final thought: increasing your pleasure increases your vitality, and increasing your vitality increases your pleasure. If you’d like to explore this idea further, see “The Pleasure-Vitality Connection”.
How Much Pleasure Can You Have?
The cliché is that practice makes perfect – well, there is no perfect to strive for but practice can be a whole lot of fun.
What’s the secret to fantastic sex? Perhaps it’s not really a secret just something yet to be learned. Tantrikas, Dakinis, Sexuality Coaches, Sexological Bodyworkers, Sacred Intimates and other sexuality practitioners are often perceived as knowing the hidden mysteries of great sex. They all started somewhere and so can you.
Whether you’re going solo or engaging sexually with other(s), exploring spiritual sexuality or focusing exclusively on physical pleasure, you can be more connected to yourself and your partner(s) – more connected to the sexual energy. No matter who you have sex with or how, new places can be reached through relaxation, breath, being present, and engaging the body in various ways.
Speaking of breath, are breath and energy orgasms for real?
(Yes! And you can have them too.)
- Use your breath to move energy and reach orgasm
- You can do this in many ways and everyone’s experience will look different. It is found in many teachings and it may take practice.
- This can be done solo or with others.
- Move the energy around your body.
- Move the energy away from your genitals.
- Into your heart or throughout your whole body up the center of your body (Some call this the Chakras or up the Kundalini)
- Share the energy with another.
- Use your intent, your hands, a lover’s tongue – be creative.
- Use the five revelations.
The brain is sexy. The brain is our biggest sex organ. The brain is our cheapest, most versatile and portable sex toy.
I talk often about how the brain has patterns that can interfere with our ability to feel our full expression of pleasure Read the rest of this entry »